She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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