I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
