Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
