How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
