I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
