my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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