Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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