Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
