my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
