I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
