He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
