You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's never too late to be topless.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
