You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
