Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
