Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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