youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
