So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
