In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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