Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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