i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
