all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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