I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
