Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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