I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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