i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
