We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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