I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
