you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
