He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
