Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
