after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You're a disaster
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