She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
