just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
