Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
