Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
