good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
