Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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