Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
