you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
