Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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