1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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