I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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