my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
