Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
