Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
That reminds me...we need to get swords
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
