Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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