mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
