are you so shy because you have an std?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I forget how to act sober
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
