It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
