Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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